True Talk

I haven't really performed since my Grandmother died.
I remember being at nationals for a speech tournament and just loving it- not the performing so much- just the energy of the performers. I thrive off that shit.
Anyways, I got back from nationals to rush to her side. She died a week later.
I don't really talk about it. In fact, I'm not sure there's much to say. The woman raised me and I still find myself crying myself to sleep thinking about her.
I didn't call her enough.
Didn't visit her enough.
I promised her I would come back to visit her on her death bed. I didn't. I stayed in SF and threw a party.
She died the next day.

I can't bring myself to be okay with this.
I get upset when the ones I do divulge this information say things like, "it's okay, she'll always love you blah blah blah."
Good for her.
I won't love me for that.
I can't love me for that.
That shit is utterly disdainful.

Anyways, I thought if i wrote this down- if I had it in a forum that I could look at and dissect it- then maybe it would be better.
But I'm looking at this. And I'm crying.

I've been having nightmares for about 3 months straight now. I'll wake up still thinking she's alive and she's pissed at me for deserting her on her deathbed. Sometimes I swear I can hear her breathing...
It's just fucked, you know?
I get 3 hours of sleep a night max because I'm so afraid my dreams are gunna fool me.
And it's even more pathetic knowing that I look forward to those nightmares- if only to see her face again.

I'm writing this to write- knowing I'm only friends w/ one person on this damn thing and it'll be semi-confidential. Like an emo-needle in an information packed haystack. The internet is great that way.

I just miss writing. I miss performing.
But I can't go back to it.
Because I'm tired of going back.
And the past makes me cry.